Surviving to Heal

Leaving Domestic Abuse Behind and Being Heard

I drafted the following essay in an attempt to receive legal aid from a domestic abuse survivors advocacy group to combat the petition filed on behalf of my former partner. He is seeking sole custody of our son and wanting to limit me to supervised visitation.

Prior to this essay I had reached out to a compassionate attorney that I retained during a domestic abuse case I was involved in the year of 2020. He knew my story prior to sobriety and he had always been kind. Unfortunately, at this time the full amount of the retainer was out of question and we ended the call with well wishes in what will no doubt be an uphill battle.

That compassionate man called me today to share that this plight of mine had been weighing heavily on his heart. He offered to represent me pro-bono. I could not contain my emotions. The tears streaming from my eyes were a mix bag of every feeling my body is capable of encapsulating but mostly one of joy. Finally my story would be heard. Not just told about me by a former partner. I will tell you the difference in my story and that of his is that there are no villains in mine. Only losers. We all lost something in that relationship. We are all in recovery.

Legal Aid Request Essay:

I would like to start by saying thank you for the support your organization provides. Although I did call the hotline for domestic abuse a handful of times, my journey would take me into another direction. One I hope will be looked at as a sister issue (side effect) of domestic abuse.

The abuse in my 10 year marriage to a former marine turned police officer within the state of Oklahoma did not start on the honeymoon. The manipulative control was so trivial in the beginning that I simply dismissed the need to check in as he was caring. Then simply checking in was escalated to deeming some friends/family more agreeable than others for my personal safety and for the safety of the family we were starting to build. Keep the circle small to people he trusted. Until one day I realized there were no people of mine left. I had to schedule times to talk with my family when I was in between home and work or forgo a call all together to not feel like I upset him by just talking to someone in his near vicinity. My words to anyone other than him I now know terrified him. What if I did not make him appear as magnificent as he wanted to be?

I felt like I was constantly running a marathon within this marriage but the finish line to receive some validation for all my hard work as a wife, a mother, just a person was constantly being moved further and further away. I began to question my own reasoning. Am I an irrational person? Am I crazy, perhaps even predisposed to a mental disorder from my parents lineage? Even down to my own words. Maybe I did say that. Doesn't sound like me but if he says I did I must have. I second guessed every thought to the point of inaction. I was reduced to passing every decision through him to review, weigh and grant me permission to act on.

A seemingly growing part of our marriage was alcohol. Although I had started as a weekend social drinker prior to our coupling, I had evolved into daily drinking towards the last few years of our marriage. I had an even bigger problem now and he was even more validated in his version of who I was. I read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy and sought out therapy since starting my recovery journey in June of 2022. I understand my addiction much better and why at first it was permitted and then weaponized against me later.

Now, I have relocated to Cape Cod, MA. This is the place where I not only started my sobriety journey but also my recovery from the mental warfare of that relationship. I often equate that marriage to being slowly tortured with thousands of papercuts daily and then having lemon juice rubbed into the wounds. Slow death by a thousand paper cuts. All the damage resides in my mind. Which became so insidious it had convinced me that there are levels to abuse and since he did not lay hands on me that I was not a victim of domestic abuse. You are right brain, he did not put hands on me but he really did like smashing my belongings, withholding financial support and now keeping our child estranged from me. There is no legal reason or action for why I can not talk to my son but my former partner has not allowed me contact since March 10, 2023. I am actively trying to this day through him and his family.

This all brings us to the present moment. He has a petition for divorce which is fine. The part that I am hoping to gain aid for is his request for sole custody and leaving me with supervised visitation. I'll be the first to admit when I read this petition perhaps I did deserve it for leaving the state my son resides in to seek treatment. But then I remember my passive suicide attempt the night before I came to Massachusetts. And I can recall the others leading up to that finale act of desperation. I felt hopeless and defeated then but I do not feel this way now. In fact, I have come a long way since. I am not that shell of a woman any longer. I have a voice again and autonomy. I am active in my community here on Cape Cod within the program of AA as well as other humanitarian groups.

Should a parent be condemned to exile for just not being aware of better solutions when met with adversity? Hindsight is 20/20. I was tested and I almost died from it. But I asked for help and I got stronger. I know my son will return to me in the future, biology is in my favor, but I don't think just because I do not have the financial means to fight this on my own that I should not ask. I have learned to ask for help. And now I am asking for yours.

I value your time and your consideration. Thank you.

Stephanie Noteboom